Saturday, September 3, 2016

No More Misery Today

I have a long weekend off work.  3 days.  So, what to do?

I decided to take some time and do something fun or at least interesting.  I slept late, stopped for breakfast and headed to Yorba Linda to see the Nixon Presidential Museum and Library.  I knew roughly where it was as I had seen the signs every day going to visit Gary.  I drove right past it!  I have driven past it 100 times since we've lived here and never knew it was tucked right off the major road. 

Upon walking in, I realized that it was under remodeling.  The admission was half price due to most of the Library being closed.  My luck.  I looked at the movie which was fascinating, saw a reproduction of the East Room at the White House and walked through Nixon's boyhood home.  Humble beginnings for such a great man.

I left and headed to see Gary.  Around 12:15 I walked in expecting to see the residents at lunch but they were running behind today.  Gary was dressed warmly in a hoodie with his white socks and summer sandals.  He puckered up for a kiss but showed no visible emotion. 

I sat beside him and fed him his lunch.  He ate voraciously.  They said he had played his bongos that morning and had been "talkative".  One of the caregiver/angels Loraina was feeding Lucy and we had a nice chat about what Gary used to do.  He listened quietly and never said a word but I am sure he was hearing.  He repeated nothing.

A young mother came in with her three young daughters.  Apparently she comes often and is teaching the girls to visit the elderly and to read stories to them.  The youngest was five and helped her mom read a story.  I was amazed at her development.  The other two girls were also quite advanced for their age and enjoyed the visit.

At one point, Gary moved out of his head and reached down to touch Annie, the dog.  He smiled and said, "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah."  After the dog walked off, he retreated back into his thoughts and didn't say anything else during my visit.

When one of the angels put in a movie around 2:00, I kissed Gary goodbye and left.  I felt so empty and alone walking down to the parking garage. I felt guilty leaving him.  Perhaps I should have stayed the whole afternoon.  Everyone says that I should live my life.  That's easier said than done. 

I stopped by the store to buy some things we need at work and then I came home.  Yesterday, a novel that I have been wanting to read was delivered.  I read about half of it and got so depressed I almost cried.  Almost. 

I couldn't take anymore of someone else's misery today so I left and got my nails done.  No matter what I do, its as if I am in search of a feeling.  I don't feel incomplete.  I don't feel complete.  I miss my husband but I can't seem to sit in that room with him for very long.  I feel sorry for him that he has to stay there but I really don't think he knows the difference or cares.  I used to live by the motto "Be Here Now".  These days, it doesn't work.  I just can't get settled nor comfortable.

I firmly believe that God has a purpose for all this.  There is some reason Gary has FTD and that his brain is shrinking.  There is some reason I married him 31 years ago (next week).  We have a fabulous love and marriage.  Some day I will know what the purpose is......right?

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