Today was one of the roughest I have had in a long time. I think I've been fooling myself. That idea that "I stay numb" is basically horse hockey.
I awoke to hear that one of the major school systems in the United States was abruptly closed by the company due to pressure from the feds....no due process. Is this America?
That news sent me into a tailspin as it happened to my former employer last year. I moved so quickly to find another job, move and deal with Gary's illness that I never processed it. I never dealt with the emotions. It hit me today.
If I pushed out sheer exasperation once today, I did it a thousand times. I ate like a pig and was on the verge of tears many times.
During the day, I got things done. I worked on my budget and wished I could talk to my husband. In the old days (pre-Dementia), I could call him and he would talk me through this stuff. After a short counseling session, he would get me back to being peak production rather than just getting the job done. Not today. My husband suffers from FTD and can't carry on a conversation with me about anything. Adding to the depression was the ever present saying running through my head that says, "FTD pisses me off!"
I am mad, angry, pissed off, disgusted and all the other negative emotions one can feel. So, what does one intelligent wife do in such situations? She goes to visit her husband after work. Mistake.
I found Gary being fed his dinner at a table with different residents tonight. My resident friend from Mississippi was in a talkative mood and giving me updates on Gary. He had eaten everything given so far and chewed thoroughly. The caregiver feeding him laughed at the resident's report and was glad when I took over the feeding.
Gary was seated in his wheelchair as always but today looked different. He was leaning to one side....the left. He never straightened up. I got him through all but one bite of dessert. One of the angels walked by the table. I had brought her a book written by my friend that discusses her emotions regarding the death of her son. This caregiver also lost a son and I thought she might like it. I stepped away from the table to give her the book. We had a short but sweet chat.
When I returned to the table, the resident sitting with Gary had fed him the rest of his pie and made sure he drank all his water. Even though she has dementia as well, she knew to take care of my Gary. She seemed to know that he always eats all his food and that he doesn't talk much.
I looked at him and just could not stay anymore. After the emotional day I've had, I simply asked to be let out and walked away.
Again, the numbness took over. Right this moment I feel like running down the street screaming at the top of my lungs. It would do no good.
I am so blessed to have a great job that I like. I don't have any friends here as I have had no time to make any. If I look at my life from 10000 feet, it is a good life. So, what is my problem? I am human and my heart aches. I am able to squelch the tears for now....but they will be making an appearance very soon. The dam will only hold for so long.
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