Saturday, March 1, 2014

Anger as a coping mechanism......

Just for the record, when one is frustrated and angry with a person who has dementia, yelling and freaking out only makes the situation worse.

Yesterday afternoon at work, I had a back to back conference call and an interview.  I had turned off my cell phone and put my desk phone on do not disturb.  So, for about two hours, I had no idea that Gary had listened to an old voicemail message at 2:11 and thought I was on my way home.  At 2:30, he was concerned that I was not yet home and started burning up my phone,  He was freaking out and imagined that I called and told him I was in an accident.  He got really freaky and called the police to report me missing.  Meanwhile, he called back to the office and I answered.  I explained that I had been in my office the whole time. He called me back to tell me that the police had just left and he explained that I was ok after all.  As I drove home, a neighbor from our old neighborhood called to ask about Gary as an ambulance had visited our old house from where we moved over a year ago, and they were asking for Gary.  For the life of me, I don't know how that happened and neither does Gary.  At that point, I was fried.

I got home from work last night and after all this and a very long week, was really tired and irritable.  I had purchased fresh wild salmon and tortellini to cook for dinner.  Upon opening our small oven to put in the salmon dishes, the wire rack was missing.  I lost it.  I started looking frantically through the kitchen for the wire rack so I could cook.  Then, I realized that about half of the items in the cabinets were in the wrong places as a result of Gary putting all the dishes, pots, pans, etc in the wrong places. Don't get me wrong, I so appreciate everything he does, but after not being able to find my ceramic crock pot for six weeks, I just couldn't take anymore.  I cried, pulled my hair and went upstairs to cry in the bed.  After about 20 minutes of this pitiful crying jag, I got over myself and went back to the kitchen.  He never missed me.  He wondered why I always "blame" him for missing items.  There is no one else here.

I asked him if he had found the wire rack.  Of course he had.  It was in the sink right next to the oven the whole time. I cooked the dinner, put away a pan and found the innerds of the crock pot that has been "missing".  I was just numb for the rest of the night.  Sometimes I just cant be strong.

The part that really took me over the edge was Gary saying "Ada, you really need to control your emotions."  He has no idea how I control my emotions.  He has no idea how I cope.  Sometimes, I cry.  I wanted to run away and just sleep in a hotel for the night. Telling him about what he puts me through does no good. He can't help his brain problem.  I hate that fact.